Lady in white saree

LADY IN WHITE SAREE

There comes a point in your life where you hate yourself. You demean yourself. I have always lived my life for others. Fulfilling my duties and responsibilities as a daughter, wife, mother, daughter in law etc. Fulfilling and living up to the expectations of people around me gave me the satisfaction of filling in. I have always lived my life on the validations of other people. I just wanted to be happy and make people around me happy. I have spent my life in quest for validation, incessantly avoiding and fearing criticism and craving adulation. I would often change my outfit 10 times before I had to go to a party thinking about what people would think and say about me. My ego thrives on validation. I constantly compare myself and my life with other people. Always trying to act perfect, I also forced my parents to spend quite a hefty amount of money on my marriage just to please my friends and relatives. The appreciation, respect and approval which I achieved later boosted my ego craving for more and more. I became the queen of social chameleons, impressing other people and saying exactly what they wanted to hear.

The need for validation became so strong that I was losing myself. Somewhere I could feel the shallowness and hollowness within my soul. I would never do stuff that would make me happy. I would judge people and have preconceived notions about them. I had hated this middle aged fat lady who lives in the neighborhood. She is always grumpy and wore old white tethered saree. She was rich and I always wondered why didn’t she dress according to her status. I had heard a lot of gossips about her from my kitty party friends and believed all of it and considered her a complete bitch. Until one day….when I got a call from the hospital about my son’s accident. I rushed to the hospital with my husband and the doctor told me if my son was not bought to hospital on time he would have died and he pointed to a lady in white saree who bought my son to the hospital. I was shocked and filled with guilt. It was the same lady who lived in the neighborhood. I told her thank you and kissed her hand. The lady smiled and blessed me. I had no words for being so vicious and performing such a reprehensible act.

I tried a lot to mend my ways and stop seeking approval. I realized I was very self-conscious and would not trust my own judgement. All these years I have been trying to people who don’t really matter to me. All that counts is to really love and appreciate yourself.

I don’t really care about what people have to say and don’t do things just to please your ego. I realized that I need to put myself before others. Love myself unconditionally. Make the right choices and walk away from anything that does not server you or make you happy. Everyone will talk. Even if you do something good, people will talk. Even if you do something equally bad, people will talk and even if you don’t do anything people will talk. I don’t indulge in self-pity anymore and don’t sabotage my reality. I realize the importance of standing up for yourself and vouching for your beliefs, opinions etc and don’t care about what people have to say. I have stop judging people and have preconceived notions about them. I tried to nurture myself. I started reading books on buddhism and other self-help and personal development books. I started practicing yoga and meditation to keep myself away from negativity around I had struggle with self-awareness, self-acceptance, discipline, forgiving self and others.

I have changed completely. I don’t indulge in meaningless gossips. I spend time with the less fortunate people, helping them and indeed helping myself. I feel spiritually uplifted and a sense of emotional transcendence has prevailed over me. When you love yourself and others your life becomes much simpler and the meaningless intricacies seem to fade away. I was scared to be alone before. The mere thought of being alone would terrify me, but today its different. I enjoy my company the most, taking care of my body, my soul, my mind and all my near and dear ones. Self-love is empowering and inspiring. The more you respect yourself makes you respect others more. Loving yourself is an unselfish act and it paves way for a more positive you. The deeper you love yourself, the more universe will affirm your worth. So love yourself and everything else will fall into line. I am eternally thankful to the lady in white saree who changed my perspective on everything in life.